Proms 2012 (perhaps)

[Resurrection Man]

Having just heard of the next saturation coverage by R3 (Arvo Part..sorry can't find the umlaut key) although I am sworn to secrecy I am going to reveal the prospectus for the 2012 Proms.

Prom 1.....Your Call special. Come and hear your favourite Your Call participants live as they recount their moment of fame and the music they chose.

Prom 2 ..Meditation by Thais. Duet from the Pearl Fishers. Beethoven's 5th...1st movement only. Eine Kleine Nachtmusik....middle 50 bars

Prom 3 to 40....Schubert (because so many of you enjoyed our Schubertathon)

prom 41 to 50 .... Gavin Bryars (best of)...please note that the concert sequence repeats every two days to give everyone an opportunity to hear their favourite works

Prom 51 to 60 ....snippet special.......Your chance to hear your favourite 27 bars. Email us or tweet or text us on 83111. Lines close June 30th. Your chance to win 'Snippets'..the award-winning BBC CD featuring 200 tracks of your favourite music..as chosen BY YOU!!

Prom 61 ..Last Night. Bryn Terfel sings "We'll meet again". Hayley Westenra thrills you all with her rendition of "Knees Up Mother Brown"

OK..I'm kidding. Bryn will be singing "It's a long way to Tipperary"

[Eine Alpensinfonie]

[Thespian]

I've heard that ten celebrity conductors will compete for the chance to conduct the last night. One being voted off each week. Judged by Louis Spence, Sue Perkins & Len Goodman

[decantor]

And I'd heard that each Prom was going to start and end with breathlessly pre-recorded trails for the following two nights.

[cloughie]

And I'd heard that each Prom was going to start and end with breathlessly pre-recorded trails for the following two nights.

And we won't know who the conductor is because the announcer is Gabbler Derham!

[EnemyoftheStoat]

And I'd heard that each Prom was going to start and end with breathlessly pre-recorded trails for the following two nights.

And of course these will take the place of that tiresome applause and reading out of the performers' and composer's names and whatever that soothing/smooth/relaxing/essential classic was in between.

[LeMartinPecheur]

And I'd heard that each Prom was going to start and end with breathlessly pre-recorded trails for the following two nights.

The BBC regrets that these trails will not be able to name soloists, orchestras, conductors (etc) this year because of over-critical reviews/ comments on this message board. All Proms this year will be redacted, and screens will be placed in front of performers to protect their anonymity and human rights.

The BBC is confident there will be no discernible impact on sound quality (except for the very fussy) but if you do notice anything, it's all your own bleedin' fault for bein' so picky. So there.

Love and kisses, RW

MEMO TO LACKEYS. If we do this we should be able to get away with cheaper performers too. Find me a phone number for the Portsmouth Sinfonia asap or sooner.

[Flay]

Mr Wight is pleased to announce the premiere of a new interactive work for orchestra and audience: Tussim Tua Pulmones Ex, by the Flemish composer Chrönny Brönny.

[Barbirollians]

I've heard that ten celebrity conductors will compete for the chance to conduct the last night. One being voted off each week. Judged by Louis Spence, Sue Perkins & Len Goodman

This is absolute nonsense !

The panel will be Charles Hazlewood, Alesha Dixon and Graham Norton

[Pabmusic]

This is absolute nonsense !

The panel will be Charles Hazlewood, Alesha Dixon and Graham Norton

So what happened to Cheryl Cole?

... and screens will be placed in front of performers to protect their anonymity and human rights.

Shows you're not on the ball. Identities will be concealed by artificial cataracts (annoying fuzziness) on TV; in the hall they will use screens, but transparent ones with artificial cataracts. For radio broadcasts, they'll just add annoying fuzziness. Voices will be over-dubbed by actors, except for Katherine Jenkins and Susan Boyle, who will be dubbed respectively by Susan Boyle and Katherine Jenkins.

Certain works (Lulu, Salome and Bluebeard's Castle) will not be played before 9 pm (or after 9 pm, actually, but it's the principle of the thing). The cast of Hansel & Gretel* will be required to have CRB checks before appearing. (*This will be limited to the Overture, the dance duet, and the Dream Pantomime; the Hexenritt is not deemed suitable before the 9 pm watershed.)

Actually, I thought they were making the Proms interactive, with phone-ins and competitions. One example I heard of was a telephone poll to select the best piece to play during 4'33" (highlights of The Lark Ascending is front-runner); and a 'Last Night' Quiz with premium phone numbers (Which of these is traditionally part of the Last Night - a. Land of Hope and Glory; b. the First Night of the Proms; c. a sausage).