Proms 2012 (perhaps)

[Pabmusic]

This is absolute nonsense !

The panel will be Charles Hazlewood, Alesha Dixon and Graham Norton

So what happened to Cheryl Cole?

... and screens will be placed in front of performers to protect their anonymity and human rights.

Shows you're not on the ball. Identities will be concealed by artificial cataracts (annoying fuzziness) on TV; in the hall they will use screens, but transparent ones with artificial cataracts. For radio broadcasts, they'll just add annoying fuzziness. Voices will be over-dubbed by actors, except for Katherine Jenkins and Susan Boyle, who will be dubbed respectively by Susan Boyle and Katherine Jenkins.

Certain works (Lulu, Salome and Bluebeard's Castle) will not be played before 9 pm (or after 9 pm, actually, but it's the principle of the thing). The cast of Hansel & Gretel* will be required to have CRB checks before appearing. (*This will be limited to the Overture, the dance duet, and the Dream Pantomime; the Hexenritt is not deemed suitable before the 9 pm watershed.)

Actually, I thought they were making the Proms interactive, with phone-ins and competitions. One example I heard of was a telephone poll to select the best piece to play during 4'33" (highlights of The Lark Ascending is front-runner); and a 'Last Night' Quiz with premium phone numbers (Which of these is traditionally part of the Last Night - a. Land of Hope and Glory; b. the First Night of the Proms; c. a sausage).

[EdgeleyRob]

'Last Night' Quiz with premium phone numbers (Which of these is traditionally part of the Last Night - a. Land of Hope and Glory; b. the First Night of the Proms; c. a sausage).

For which you may still be charged even after the lines are closed.

[Resurrection Man]

The audience will be encouraged to keep their mobile phones on so that the lucky winner of the 'Guess who wrote Beethoven's Fifth' competition earlier in the month can be contacted during the performance so that they can claim their prize.

[LeMartinPecheur]

Certain works (Lulu, Salome and Bluebeard's Castle) will not be played before 9 pm (or after 9 pm, actually, but it's the principle of the thing). The cast of Hansel & Gretel* will be required to have CRB checks before appearing. (*This will be limited to the Overture, the dance duet, and the Dream Pantomime; the Hexenritt is not deemed suitable before the 9 pm watershed.)

Resurrection Man does seem to have criminally omitted any Prom for the kids, who can't honestly be expected to enjoy the heavy intellectual pabulum that he's planned for the grown-ups but must of course be catered for as our future audience. Scope for suggestions here!

We must have Peter and the Wolf but it'll need all the scary bits taken out, like Grandfather etc. The wolf can't do anything as species-ist as eating the duck. The hunters and their guns are definitely non-politically-correct. I think we 're really looking for Peter to sit down and have a nice musical picnic with all the other animals who have become non-confrontational and fully respective of each other's right to exist with maximised biodiversity in a sustainable, fully 'green' environment.

If Prokofiev's music can't be made to fit in with this then tough, we can always put something together from kids' favorite CBeebies theme tunes.

No further Dr Who proms: too much war and horror.

No ballet either - far too elitist. At most, the Clog Dance from La fille mal gardee(*). Anyone wearing clogs must be proletarian/ non-elitist.

(*) We've got to kill that French title - obviously elitist again. What's the damn stuff mean anyway? My daughter's sick Paris railway station? Check this out - I could just have got it slightly wrong.

[Serial_Apologist]

Resurrection Man does seem to have criminally omitted any Prom for the kids, who can't honestly be expected to enjoy the heavy intellectual pabulum that he's planned for the grown-ups but must of course be catered for as our future audience. Scope for suggestions here!

We must have Peter and the Wolf but it'll need all the scary bits taken out, like Grandfather etc. The wolf can't do anything as species-ist as eating the duck. The hunters and their guns are definitely non-politically-correct. I think we 're really looking for Peter to sit down and have a nice musical picnic with all the other animals who have become non-confrontational and fully respective of each other's right to exist with maximised biodiversity in a sustainable, fully 'green' environment.

If Prokofiev's music can't be made to fit in with this then tough, we can always put something together from kids' favorite CBeebies theme tunes.

No further Dr Who proms: too much war and horror.

No ballet either - far too elitist. At most, the Clog Dance from La fille mal gardee(*). Anyone wearing clogs must be proletarian/ non-elitist.

(*) We've got to kill that French title - obviously elitist again. What's the damn stuff mean anyway? My daughter's sick Paris railway station? Check this out - I could just have got it slightly wrong.

For part two I would suggest a version of Ravel's "L'enfant et les sortileges". In place of the plot ending with the animals all crowding around the child to bind his wounds from the preceding fracas, and he awakens to discover it was all a dream, in this alternative version the animals get their own back on man-made natural despoliation and tear him to bits, during which time his calls to "Maman" go unheeded, since Maman has gone out on her regular Saturday night binge.

[LeMartinPecheur]

It's high time we revived the Viennese Night....


...and here to conduct it is our very own Andre Rieu!

[The live album of this Prom is prebooked to top the Tuesday Breakfast classical chart show for at least 52 wks, i.e. until next year's is issued]

[Alison]

Rob Cowan is to introduce all the concerts on Radio 3 this year. A BBC spokesperson says listeners will
find in Rob a familiar voice acting as an ideal entry point into the music.

[Beef Oven]

I wonder whether there will be any Mahler this year?

[EdgeleyRob]

I wonder whether there will be any Mahler this year?

There had better be some Vaughan Williams after last years disgraceful shun.

[LeMartinPecheur]

Rob Cowan is to introduce all the concerts on Radio 3 this year. A BBC spokesperson says listeners will
find in Rob a familiar voice acting as an ideal entry point into the music.

but also

Isn't the dumbing down of Mr Cowan - with his great knowledge of, and enthusiasm for, great recorded performances of all ages - one of the greater war-crimes of the current R3 offensive? (Nice word 'offensive' in this context I feel - a variety of useful ambiguities...)