Current favourite jokes

[Serial_Apologist]

There was this English cat called One-Two-Three-Four, and this French cat called Un-Deux-Trois-Quatre, and they decided to have a race across the Channel. Guess which one won? One-Two-Three-Four, because Un-Deux-Trois-Quatre sank.

You've just taken me back to when I was seven!

[Serial_Apologist]

Shouldn't it be a rabbit, priest and imam?

A rabbi, Catholic priest and CofE clergyman go fishing. Having set up their pitch, the rabbi and priest cross the river to their parked car on the opposite bank to collect the picnic hamper, walking on the waves, just like Jesus did. The clergyman then offers to fetch the bottle of wine he has brought, but on venturing to cross the river he immediately finds himself up to his waist in water. The rabbi turns to the priest, and says, "Perhaps we should have shown him where the stepping stones are?"

[vinteuil]

You've just taken me back to when I was seven!

... and to keep you there : -

Q: “Why do the French have only one egg for breakfast?"

A: “Because one egg is un œuf”

[Nick Armstrong]

[Serial_Apologist]

We could go on thinking similar ones up forever.

"Europhobe?" asked the customs official.

"Yes, I am indeed" said Farage, "what makes you ask?

"Because we've got you on Europhile" replied the man.

[Pulcinella]

On a birthday card just opened.....

Customer in book shop: I'm looking for a book about turtles.
Bookseller: Hard back?
Customer: Yes, with small heads.

[johncorrigan]

On a birthday card just opened.....

Customer in book shop: I'm looking for a book about turtles.
Bookseller: Hard back?
Customer: Yes, with small heads.

Moses comes down from Mount Sinai carrying the tablets.
'How did you get on, Moses?' ask the Israelites.
'I've got good news and bad news,' replies Moses.
'The good news is that I got him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery's still in there.'

[Roger Webb]

Moses comes down from Mount Sinai carrying the tablets.
'How did you get on, Moses?' ask the Israelites.
'I've got good news and bad news,' replies Moses.
'The good news is that I got him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery's still in there.'

Two old Oxford Dons one now a Rabbi, the other now a Catholic Priest are dining out together.
The Catholic Priest, looking at the menu noting pork was on it, asked the Rabbi if he had ever tried it.
The Rabbi looked shocked and denied it. The Priest persisted, saying he wouldn't tell anybody.
The Rabbi said, Ok, I did once.

In retaliation the Rabbi asked the Priest if he had ever had sex.
The Priest looked as shocked as the Rabbi had and denied he had.
The Rabbi persisted saying he wouldn't tell anyone.
The Priest said, no, I really haven't ever had sex...what's it like?

Better than pork! the Rabbi answered.

[vinteuil]

.
"It's only when you observe ants closely through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realise how often they spontaneously burst into flames."

Harry Hill

[Serial_Apologist]

.
"It's only when you observe ants closely through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realise how often they spontaneously burst into flames."

Harry Hill

[LMcD]

'Our next contestant is Filipe, who I believe is calling us from Brazil'
'No. it's Peru actually'
'OK, sorry about that. I imagine it's pretty warm in Peru at this time of year'
'No, it's chilly actually'.

[vinteuil]

'Our next contestant is Filipe, who I believe is calling us from Brazil'
'No. it's Peru actually'
'OK, sorry about that. I imagine it's pretty warm in Peru at this time of year'
'No, it's quite chilly actually'.

... surely you need to drop the 'quite' for this to work??

.

[LMcD]

... surely you need to drop the 'quite' for this to work??

.

Quite possibly - duly amended!

[johncorrigan]

From today's 'Inside Science'!
Two wind turbines standing on a hill. One says to the other, 'What's your favourite kind of music?'
The other replies, 'I'm a huge metal fan.'

[Serial_Apologist]

From today's 'Inside Science'!
Two wind turbines standing on a hill. One says to the other, 'What's your favourite kind of music?'
The other replies, 'I'm a huge metal fan.'

To which the first replies, "I must give it a spin sometime then".