Current favourite jokes

[johncorrigan]

Two monkeys in a bath. One says,'Ooh Ooh Ooh ah ah ah!'
The other says, 'Well run some water in from the cold tap.'

I told my brother this joke and he reminded me of Bill and Ben in the bath.
Bill says 'Flub-a-lub-a dub!'...and Ben says 'I wish you wouldn't fart in the bath'.

[johncorrigan]

Two monkeys in a bath. One says,'Ooh Ooh Ooh ah ah ah!'
The other says, 'Well run some water in from the cold tap.'

[Jonathan]

Sheepdog: "Right, that's all 40 sheep"
Shepherd: "What, there's only supposed to be 37!"
Sheepdog: "I rounded them up"

[Serial_Apologist]

'To Everything, Turn, Turn, Turn'.

Or, everyone deserves their turn in this life. I had a bad turn the other day.

[johncorrigan]

To which the first replies, "I must give it a spin sometime then".

'To Everything, Turn, Turn, Turn'.

[Serial_Apologist]

From today's 'Inside Science'!
Two wind turbines standing on a hill. One says to the other, 'What's your favourite kind of music?'
The other replies, 'I'm a huge metal fan.'

To which the first replies, "I must give it a spin sometime then".

[johncorrigan]

From today's 'Inside Science'!
Two wind turbines standing on a hill. One says to the other, 'What's your favourite kind of music?'
The other replies, 'I'm a huge metal fan.'

[LMcD]

... surely you need to drop the 'quite' for this to work??

.

Quite possibly - duly amended!

[vinteuil]

'Our next contestant is Filipe, who I believe is calling us from Brazil'
'No. it's Peru actually'
'OK, sorry about that. I imagine it's pretty warm in Peru at this time of year'
'No, it's quite chilly actually'.

... surely you need to drop the 'quite' for this to work??

.

[LMcD]

'Our next contestant is Filipe, who I believe is calling us from Brazil'
'No. it's Peru actually'
'OK, sorry about that. I imagine it's pretty warm in Peru at this time of year'
'No, it's chilly actually'.

[Serial_Apologist]

.
"It's only when you observe ants closely through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realise how often they spontaneously burst into flames."

Harry Hill

[vinteuil]

.
"It's only when you observe ants closely through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realise how often they spontaneously burst into flames."

Harry Hill

[Roger Webb]

Moses comes down from Mount Sinai carrying the tablets.
'How did you get on, Moses?' ask the Israelites.
'I've got good news and bad news,' replies Moses.
'The good news is that I got him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery's still in there.'

Two old Oxford Dons one now a Rabbi, the other now a Catholic Priest are dining out together.
The Catholic Priest, looking at the menu noting pork was on it, asked the Rabbi if he had ever tried it.
The Rabbi looked shocked and denied it. The Priest persisted, saying he wouldn't tell anybody.
The Rabbi said, Ok, I did once.

In retaliation the Rabbi asked the Priest if he had ever had sex.
The Priest looked as shocked as the Rabbi had and denied he had.
The Rabbi persisted saying he wouldn't tell anyone.
The Priest said, no, I really haven't ever had sex...what's it like?

Better than pork! the Rabbi answered.

[johncorrigan]

On a birthday card just opened.....

Customer in book shop: I'm looking for a book about turtles.
Bookseller: Hard back?
Customer: Yes, with small heads.

Moses comes down from Mount Sinai carrying the tablets.
'How did you get on, Moses?' ask the Israelites.
'I've got good news and bad news,' replies Moses.
'The good news is that I got him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery's still in there.'

[Pulcinella]

On a birthday card just opened.....

Customer in book shop: I'm looking for a book about turtles.
Bookseller: Hard back?
Customer: Yes, with small heads.