Current favourite jokes

[johncorrigan]

A guy's walking in the countryside. He hears a voice calling out. 'Help! Help!'
He looks around. He realises the cry is coming from a ditch. He looks in and there's a leprechaun at the bottom of the ditch trapped under a tree.
'Help me out, please. I've been stuck here all night.' The guy jumps into the ditch and grabs the tree and manages to lift it away from the leprechaun. He then picks up the leprechaun and gets it out of the ditch,
The leprechaun says to him, 'Thanks very much. Because you have been so kind, I will give you three wishes!'
The guy says, 'It's a hot day. I would like a never-ending pint of Guinness!'
Immediately a pint of Guinness appears in his hand. He drinks it. And when it gets to the bottom it fills back up; so he drinks that; and then another. He's on his fourth pint and the Leprechaun says, 'Look this is all very well, but I haven't got all day to hang about here. What about your other two wishes?'
The guy says, 'OK! I'll have another two of these!'

[Jonathan]

very good!

[Serial_Apologist]

A guy is lying on his death bed -his 3 weans are there and he asks the oldest what career he intends to pursue? He says he wants to be an architect. The guy opens a box and hands him 10,000 pounds to start off with.
The daughter-says she wants to be a science teacher. The Dad opens the box and gives her 10,000 to start off with .
He asks the youngest, a son. He says" I want to be a farmer dad!"
The guy leans over, punches him in the jaw, knees him in the groin and says- " theres a couple of acres to start you off then!" 🤭

The head of a convent is asking pupils in her charge what they intend doing with their lives.
"I'm going to be a nun", the first says.
"I am so happy with your choice my dear, it is what God intended; may you have His blessing" says the other. "And what do you intend for your life?" she asks the second girl.
"I'd like to be an actress" replies the child.
"Well, my dear, I am sure that having thought it through, you will come to make a different choice", the head tells her. "And what about you?" she asks the third.
"I want to be a prostitute!" she says.
"A WHAT!?" expostulates the teacher;
"A PROSTITUTE!" the girl repeats, loudly.
"A WHAT???!!!"
"A PROSTITUTE!!!"
"Oh" says the head, "I must be getting hard of hearing. I thought you said a PROTESTANT".

[LMcD]

What do you call a nun who's passed her bar exams? A sister-in-law.

[johncorrigan]

A guy is lying on his death bed -his 3 weans are there and he asks the oldest what career he intends to pursue? He says he wants to be an architect. The guy opens a box and hands him 10,000 pounds to start off with.
The daughter-says she wants to be a science teacher. The Dad opens the box and gives her 10,000 to start off with .
He asks the youngest, a son. He says" I want to be a farmer dad!"
The guy leans over, punches him in the jaw, knees him in the groin and says- " theres a couple of acres to start you off then!" 🤭

[Forget It (U2079353)]

A letter in the new RT, referring to a police car in the Cooper & Fry series on CH5 bearing the number plate R065 ERS, points out that this spells out ROSSERS. ...

See also he first 10 seconds of this Benny Hill 1982 clip

[Serial_Apologist]

I've heard they're intending a pornographic sequel to "The Housemaid", to be called "The Housemaid's Knee"

[Serial_Apologist]

A letter in the new RT, referring to a police car in the Cooper & Fry series on CH5 bearing the number plate R065 ERS, points out that this spells out ROSSERS. The cartoonist Robert Thompson has appended a pun of his own, showing a police station with nearby street sign, LETSBE AVENUE !

[Serial_Apologist]

I hadn't realised Will Self to be a convicted murderer!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/ce8gy39rezzo?utw_source=firefox-newtab-en-gb

[Serial_Apologist]

This made me chuckle (from a recent Sunday Times)

[Boilk]

This made me chuckle (from a recent Sunday Times)

[vinteuil]

I liked Tim Dowling's confession in the Guardian the other day -

" Fourteen times I’ve told the single joke I wrote in 2025, to the total bewilderment of listeners. The only reason I didn’t tell it more often was because it requires the participation of a willing comic foil, and most people I know want no part of it. If you haven’t heard it, it goes like this:

Me: “You know, they said I’d really like that spreadable Calabrian sausage that’s so trendy right now.”

Comic foil: “Nduja?”

Me: “I can take it or leave it.”

I have now reluctantly retired the joke, because it seems there just aren’t enough people who both know of the spreadable Calabrian sausage called nduja, and also know that it’s pronounced in a way that could conceivably be mistaken for someone saying “and do ya?”

There are, however, dozens of people who claim the J in nduja is actually pronounced with a soft “zh” sound in Calabria itself, thus rendering my joke null and void. I know this because they all emailed me... "

.

[johncorrigan]

What animals are able see inside your body?

Cats can!

[johncorrigan]

Pope Leo came to visit Belfast. While there he was approached by a teenage lad.
"Can you please help me with my hearing, Your Holiness?", asked the boy.
The Pope put his hands over the boy's ears, mumbled a couple of prayers, and then asked him,"how is your hearing now, my son?"
The boy replied, "I don't know; it's not till next Tuesday!"

[LMcD]

Enchanting!