Current favourite jokes

[Stillhomewardbound]

[B]i don't know how wilder got away with what he did either

One tactic employed by Bill Wilder was that he provided an outline for another film to the Front Office and then proceed to submit the script for approval only a page or two at a time.

Also, only a third of the script was complete when the film went in to production, with the latter half of the movie uncertain.

One early treatment had the film opening with Joe Gillis rising up from his morturary slab and setting the scene for how he came to get there.

Very detailed Wiki entry here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sunset_Boulevard_(film)

[teamsaint]

apparently fox resigned last week, but he gave the letter to his mate oliver to pass to cameron..........

[mangerton]

This topical joke has been around in many guises for many years. I once heard Ken Bruce tell it on R2 with reference to Auchtermuchty. (sic)

Prince Charles said to the Queen, "I'm going to the hunt ball at Blenheim and I don't know what to wear."

The Queen said, "Wear the fox hat."

[umslopogaas]

Having tickled a few funny bones with the Bill(y) Wilder 'Sunset Boulevard' quote earlier, here are a couple from the article in the same book on the Marx Brothers' 'Duck Soup'. The author [William Bayer in 'The Great Movies', The Ridge Press Inc. and Grosset & Dunlap, Inc copyright 1973, reprinted 1977] reckons it is their funniest film and might thereby be a strong candidate for The Funniest Film, Ever.

Rufus T. Firefly (Groucho Marx) 'What about your husband?'
Mrs Teasdale (Margaret Dumont) 'He's dead.'
Firefly 'He's just using that as an excuse.'
Teasdale 'I was with him to the end.'
Firefly 'No wonder he passed away.'
Dumont 'I held him in my arms and kissed him.'
Firefly 'So - it was murder?'

Ambassador Trentino (not sure who played him) and Chico Marx, controlling a war between Fredonia and Sylvania:

Trentino 'There's a machine gun nest on Hill 22. I want it cleaned out.'
Chico 'Good, I'll tell the janitor.'

The article also discusses the famous 'Mirror Sequence' from Duck Soup, which I once saw at a late night screening in the Cambridge of my youth at a cinema up Chesterton way (was it the Rex?) around 1973. I had queued round the block to get in and the cinema was packed and the lines for the gents were long, since the audience was almost entirely male students who had been on the beer all evening, me included, but eventually I emptied the bladder, got myself settled and cleaned the cold November air off my specs. We got 'Duck Soup' and Hammer's 'Dracula', Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee in darkest Transylvania. What a billing! I laughed so much at Duck Soup that if I hadnt been jammed in so tight I would have fallen out of my seat. At the mirror sequence I actually got a fit of hysteria, the laughter gave me a pain in my ribs: fortunately everyone was in much the same state, so no-one noticed.

And 'Dracula'! What a movie moment when Christopher Lee strides down the stairs of his castle to greet his guests, tall, impeccably dressed in evening gear and black cape, fangs barely out of sight and murmurs in a sort of Transylvanian-accented English

'Goot evenningg'.

Van Helsing, on your guard!

Ah, they dont make them like that anymore.

Actually, I'm sure they do. To paraphrase Norma Desmond, its not the movies that got small ... its me.

[mangerton]

Yes, Duck Soup with the mirror sequence, one of my all time favourites. When were the Bros Marx last on tv? These films used to be shown quite often. Still, they're now on youtube, and I've just enjoyed the mirror sequence again. Thanks for reminding me!

[Ferretfancy]

Humour's an odd thing. There are certainly some nice moments in Marx Brothers movies,usually with Groucho, but I'm afraid that they don't wear very well. For me the biggest turn off is Harpo, almost everything about him makes me squirm, all that winsome mime and the horrible hair. Am I alone in this view ?

[Curalach]

The Queen said, "Wear the fox hat."

A version of that is one of my favourite jokes. It doesn't go down well in all companies. I once told it at a party and it was received in stunned silence. They were all Wee Frees!!

[Spatny]

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him: "This is all in your mind" and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits, the shrink confesses: "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor says: "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says: "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year!

All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor: "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says: "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says: "1-2-3" and suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says: "What did you say '1-2-3' for?"

[mangerton]

A version of that is one of my favourite jokes. It doesn't go down well in all companies. I once told it at a party and it was received in stunned silence. They were all Wee Frees!!

Oh yes. The strictest kind of Frees. Some of them have been known to take exception if they see their meenister going about with the top button of his Crombie undone.

[umslopogaas]

The actress to the bishop:

"Keep it coming!"

As some wag said about Humphrey Bogart, "Humphrey Bogart's fine until he's had a couple of drinks, but then the trouble starts because he thinks he's Humphrey Bogart."

I like this thread. If you dont, beware, I've got a lot of books of jokes on my shelves and there may be more. Single entendres plenty, double entendres, well, I've made a few ... but they never complained.

[Spatny]

A movie producer had called together several big name celebs to kick some
ideas around. The project was an action docu-drama about famous composers
featuring Stallone, Van Damme, and Schwarzenegger in the leading roles.

The producer really wanted the box office 'oomph' of these three, and was
prepared to allow them to select what famous composers they would portray.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play
him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite," said Van Damme, I'll play him."

Things were going well; the producers were pleased.

"Sounds splendid. And who do you want to be, Arnold?"

"I'll be Bach." replied Arnold.

[teamsaint]

The actress to the bishop:

"Keep it coming!"

As some wag said about Humphrey Bogart, "Humphrey Bogart's fine until he's had a couple of drinks, but then the trouble starts because he thinks he's Humphrey Bogart."

I like this thread. If you dont, beware, I've got a lot of books of jokes on my shelves and there may be more. Single entendres plenty, double entendres, well, I've made a few ... but they never complained.

My wife wanted a double entendre for her birthday, so I gave her one.

[EdgeleyRob]

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on the telly?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

[teamsaint]

I told the mrs that when I am gone, I am going to leave everything to her.
She replied, "you do that already you lazy sod !"

[Flosshilde]

A version of that is one of my favourite jokes. It doesn't go down well in all companies. I once told it at a party and it was received in stunned silence. They were all Wee Frees!!

They probably wouldn't have laughed at any joke.

& I can't begin to imagine what the party was like!

Going back to Billy Wilder - my favourite closing line is in 'Some like it hot' -

Jack Lemon (in drag) says to Osgood - "We can't get married - I'm a man!"

Osgood - "Nobody's perfect"