Current favourite jokes

[LMcD]

Was it social bubble wrap?

I'm SO out of touch with current musical trends, so it's not surprising I haven't heard of ... hang on ... ah, it's 'wrap' not 'rap' ... sorry!

[Serial_Apologist]

Was it social bubble wrap?

When all this business of social distancing, so-called, first became common jargon, I was very amused when a representative of the Indian government, when asked about whether it was being implemented in his country, replied, "We don't DO social distancing in India". Only not in that sense, methought!

[Serial_Apologist]

I'm SO out of touch with current musical trends, so it's not surprising I haven't heard of ... hang on ... ah, it's 'wrap' not 'rap' ... sorry!

Asked about hip hop, Ronnie Scott said he had thought at first it must refer to surgery on the NHS for ageing musicians with a certain condition!

[burning dog]

‘The next time a man with Covid symptoms drives from London to Durham it will probably be for the nearest Covid tests’

Angela Rayner PMQs

[Serial_Apologist]

‘The next time a man with Covid symptoms drives from London to Durham it will probably be for the nearest Covid tests’

Angela Rayner PMQs

[LMcD]

Apparently TfL are going to build a new underground line for the exclusive use of groups of unaccompanied singers comprised of medical students . Watch out for more news of the A Cappellary Tube.

[cloughie]

‘The next time a man with Covid symptoms drives from London to Durham it will probably be for the nearest Covid tests’

Angela Rayner PMQs

Maybe her leader?

[johncorrigan]

I notice that the World Parkour Championships have been postponed due to coronavirus restrictions. Disappointed competitors are stuck at home climbing the walls.

[Bryn]

A pair on The News Quiz:

Pritti Patel, "The Female Enoch"

Keir Starmer named after Keir Hardy. Jeremy Corbyn named after Jeremy Hardy.

[LMcD]

A pair on The News Quiz:

Pritti Patel, "The Female Enoch"

Keir Starmer named after Keir Hardy. Jeremy Corbyn named after Jeremy Hardy.

I thought the last series of The New Quiz was a bit of a mess, but things are much better under Andy Z (quiz host and whizz cricket statistician).

[Dave2002]

Reported - and perhaps in one of the newspapers recently.

A conductor (presumably not a native English speaker) wanted to impress the orchestra he was about to conduct, and to show that he knew a lot about the music.

"I know f*** nothing about this piece". The orchestra laughs, and is clearly not impressed, so he thinks, what is the opposite of nothing.

"Oh, I meant I know f*** all about it." Riotous laughter and applause.

[LMcD]

Reported - and perhaps in one of the newspapers recently.

A conductor (presumably not a native English speaker) wanted to impress the orchestra he was about to conduct, and to show that he knew a lot about the music.

"I know f*** nothing about this piece". The orchestra laughs, and is clearly not impressed, so he thinks, what is the opposite of nothing.

"Oh, I meant I know f*** all about it." Riotous laughter and applause.

It was Karel Ancerl, according to an item in today's 'Times'.

[LHC]

Reported - and perhaps in one of the newspapers recently.

A conductor (presumably not a native English speaker) wanted to impress the orchestra he was about to conduct, and to show that he knew a lot about the music.

"I know f*** nothing about this piece". The orchestra laughs, and is clearly not impressed, so he thinks, what is the opposite of nothing.

"Oh, I meant I know f*** all about it." Riotous laughter and applause.

I think this is one of those anecdotes that has been attached to several non-English speakers. David Niven used a variant in his autobiography:

“ Mike Curtiz was the director of The Charge and his Hungarian-oriented English was a source of joy to us all.

High on a rostrum he decided that the right moment had come to order the arrival on the scene of a hundred head of riderless chargers. “Okay!” he yelled into a megaphone. “Bring on the empty horses!”

[Errol] Flynn and I doubled up with laughter. “You lousy bums,” Curtiz shouted, “you and your stinking language…you think I know f*** nothing…well, let me tell you – I know F*** ALL!”

[hmvman]

I was asked to re-turf a field for a civil war re-enactment. I thought, 'sod that for a game of soldiers'.

[Padraig]

Teacher jokes (old)

T. Johnny go to the wall map and find North America.
J. Here it is , Sir.
T. Very good, Now class, who discovered America? Yes! Eamon?
E. Johnny, Sir.

T. Why are you doing your multiplication sums on the floor Padraig?
P. Sir, you said without using tables.