Current favourite jokes

[johncorrigan]

Guy goes to the doctor with a raft of symptoms. The doc takes a look and runs a couple of tests and says, 'Bad news, sir. You've got gonorrhea and herpes and covid. We're going to put you in a special isolation room and feed you a diet of flounder, pizza and pancakes.' 'Flounder, pizza and pancakes?', says the guy. 'Will that cure me?' 'No', says the doc, 'but we'll be able to fit it under the door. '

[Serial_Apologist]

[RichardB]

Ego and Superego walk into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm going to need to see some ID".

[Serial_Apologist]

Ego and Superego walk into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm going to need to see some ID".

There was indeed a chap where I worked called R.I.Dees, who everyone knew as "Flash".

[johncorrigan]

Friends of mine are organising a joint Chinese New Year celebration and Burns supper...they're calling it Chinese Burns Night. I don't want to go, but they're twisting my arm.

[LHC]

[Nick Armstrong]

Friends of mine are organising a joint Chinese New Year celebration and Burns supper...they're calling it Chinese Burns Night. I don't want to go, but they're twisting my arm.

[Serial_Apologist]

"No that's my wife, not Matt Lucas. Half cut? You mean the amount I got back from the Inland Revenue or the state I appear to be in? Oh, half-timbered, yes - our house, you meant, of course".

[teamsaint]

It’s strange than not so many people are called Lance these days.

In medieval times, people were called Lancelot.

[Bryn]

This is from Facbook. I hope the link works.

https://scontent-lcy1-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/326758185_1162641831287669_1247238557418479138_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_eui2=AeFLwxdCvg2v8-6VjykkWJm4-anIHFb06GH5qcgcVvToYYhrnDmZSNnn_JFTbXbxP2wS4ylMMRxvIAhI15ZThiR4&_nc_ohc=3Ceaw8f4CJAAX-AZYIu&_nc_ht=scontent-lcy1-2.xx&oh=00_AfBJGjFqj74oWdbQTstuHmmDwgMY_WXmbWvmOShhdLSrlA&oe=63D560DF

[Rolmill]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that Helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 Years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you. But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’

[LeMartinPecheur]

I used to tell a joke about Orpheus and Eurydice but looking back, it was a bad idea.

[RichardB]

"What would you say is the greater problem in our time, ignorance or indifference?"

"I don't know and I don't give a damn."

[Serial_Apologist]

"What would you say is the greater problem in our time, ignorance or indifference?"

"I don't know and I don't give a damn."

In a TV panel show just now, Gemma Forte said maybe if Sasha had kept her head down it would have all blown over!

[oddoneout]

I saw this in the Tesco magazine
"Tesco will soon be removing lids from some of their dips..."
The heading said "Less plastic, still fantastic" The first would be true, not sure about the second bit! Be a pain to get them home I reckon.